At some point in our lives, we are going to have to grieve the loss of a loved one. This is an inescapable reality since all human beings will die (Hebrews 9:27). As Christians, however, we are seldom taught how to grieve properly. Many secular studies have been done describing the grieving process and how certain tasks are essential for the healing process to take place. J. William Worden, in his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (1991), describes an effective grieving process involving the following steps:
1. Accept the reality of the loss.
2. Experience the pain of grief.
3. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
4. Take the emotional energy you would have spent on the one who died and reinvest it in another relationship.
While taking these recommended steps during a time of grief has proven to be helpful, reframing it in light of Biblical principles, can take it to transformative levels. In this article, I would like to explore these various tasks outlined above through the lens of Scripture and see how a Biblical perspective can help with this process.
Accept the Reality of the Loss
One of the most difficult things to do is to accept the reality that a loved one has passed. To avoid the pain of the loss, we tend to consciously and unconsciously deny that our beloved is gone. Denial, however, severely impairs the healing process and allows for grief to grow unprocessed. We must learn to accept the reality of the loss if we want to get on a path of healing and growth.
To help facilitate acceptance it may be helpful to talk about your loved one who has passed, giving attention to details that endeared you most to that person, wonderful memories, and the favorite things that he or she loved to do. This is why it is good to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you, especially after the funeral. Talking about the departed and even the circumstances surrounding the death can be helpful.
Accept the Will of God
Even more important than accepting the reality of the loss is accepting the will of God. This will involve approaching Yahuah God in prayer and pouring out your heart to Him. For us believers, a lingering thought might be why Yahuah allowed this to happen. There may be lingering doubts and disappointment with God that we must address if we want to heal. Why did God allow this to happen? Why did God not protect or heal my loved one? I thought God was loving and caring. Why did He let this happen? Addressing these doubts is a precursor to accepting God’s will. Why not go to Yahuah Abba in prayer and express everything that is in your mind and heart? Here is a sample prayer:
“Father Yahuah. I am in deep pain right now. My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. I really miss (loved one). I prayed that you would heal (loved one) but you let him/her die. (or I prayed that you would protect us but you let him/her die). I feel deeply hurt. Please help me go through my struggle with sorrow. I wish (loved one) was still alive, but help me to accept your will. Thy will be done. Thank you Father for the opportunity you gave me to love and be loved by (loved one). I will always love and cherish (loved one) and he/she will always be in my memories and in my heart, Father.
To go from “I feel pain” to “Thy will be done” is not something that is easy to do. It may take several attempts to get there. It definitely will be a struggle. Even our King Yahusha struggled through the sorrow of anticipating the cross and fully accepting the will of Abba. This is recorded in Matthew:
Matthew 26:37–39 (NKJV) — 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.” 39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”
Getting to a place of acceptance requires us to dig deep into the very core of our souls. But struggling through and finally getting to the place of absolute surrender and be able to say, “Not my will, but thy will be done”, is quite liberating. It brings that experience of peace that surpasses all understanding. It is also the mark of spiritual maturity. It is only in radical acceptance and complete surrender to Yahuah and His will can true healing and restoration take place. The challenge for all of us is getting to that place. I have known many people who, because of the disappointment and grief of losing a loved have given up their faith and given up on God. This leads to a bitter and withdrawn life. It should not have to be this way. This is why it is so important to go from the pain of losing a loved one to acceptance of the loss and acceptance of the will of God. What can help is learning how to …
Accept the Truth that Death is Not the End
After accepting the reality of the loss and accepting the will of God, you should also accept the truth that death is not the end. One of the great blessings of being united with Yahusha is that we do not grieve as those who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13–14 — 13 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Yahusha died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Yahusha returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.
If your loved one is a believer, then we have the true hope that we will see him or her again. For some, this may sound too good to be true, something straight out of fiction. This is why it is something we need to learn to believe and have hope in. One of the most often asked questions is “Will I know my spouse in heaven?” There seems to be this notion that in heaven our memories will be removed, and we will not know each other there. That understanding, however, has no Scriptural basis. Our memories and our personal history is part of who we are and I believe that there will be continuity between our life now and our life then. In fact, in heaven, not only will we know each other, we will know each other at a much deeper level. Apostle Paul expounds:
1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV84) — 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
In this passage, Apostle Paul compares our knowledge of each other now, and then, when we will be given immortal bodies. Now, in our life here on earth, our physical bodies and brains limit our capacity to know each other in a deep way. Even couples who know each other intimately have limitations in that they cannot yet fully know each other. These barriers of our flesh will be completely removed in heaven. Then and there we will see each other face to face because we shall be know fully and be fully known. In other words, we will enjoy our relationships with each other at a much higher level in heaven.
Acceptance is an important first step towards a healthy grieving process, but it’s not the only task. Next is the task of learning how to experience the pain of grief that will come in waves. This is what we will discuss next time.
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