Reframing the Grieving Process 2: Experience the Pain of Grief
According to J. William Worden, in his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (1991) there are four tasks that must be completed for healthy grieving:
1. Accept the reality of the loss.
2. Experience the pain of grief.
3. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
4. Take the emotional energy you would have spent on the one who died and reinvest it in another relationship
In our previous article, we talked about the process of acceptance which includes acceptance of God’s will and acceptance of the truth that death is not the end. I believe that for those who belong to Yahusha, how one accepts God’s will for the loved one to die, will determine the trajectory of the healing process. However, acceptance does not mean that painful emotions associated with grief will go away. They will come in waves and sometimes in an even more intense fashion. How are we to deal with this? This is where the second task of the grieving process applies. We need to learn how to fully experience the pain of grief.
Experience the Pain of Grief
The second task involves experiencing and even embracing the pain of grief, instead of denying the negative emotions of grief. Many individuals attempt to escape this pain by suppressing their emotions or denying their true feelings. They often steer clear of places or situations that trigger memories of their lost loved one. Some might seek shortcuts in the grieving process, failing to acknowledge the common feelings of anger or denial. However, the only way to truly navigate through grief is to face it head-on. Avoiding the pain inherent in grieving is not possible. Those who shortchange the grieving process may ultimately experience depression or even physical ailments. Embracing and expressing the pain, often through crying, offers a sense of relief.
When facing the emotions associated with grief it is important not to be consumed by them. Having a support system of friends and loved ones plays a critical role here. Do not hesitate to seek fellowship and emotional support with people you trust. One way to protect yourself from being consumed by emotions is to be aware that your emotions are not yours. Sometimes we mistakenly say things like “I am sad” or “I am depressed”. These statements convey the idea that you are your feelings. It is better to understand emotions in terms of something that is not us. Thus, it is better to say, “I am feeling sad” or “I am feeling depressed” instead. This way, the emotion is differentiated from the self.
One of the best ways to differentiate between the emotions we feel and our own self is by being mindful of our emotions. When confronting grief try and describe the emotions that you are feeling. It is suggested that you write them down in a journal if you can, for it brings therapeutic value. Try and identify the nuances of what the strong emotions bring. For some people, they feel emotions in their bodies. Do your best to describe the emotion. By doing so you realize that the emotion is not you and that it is a transient experience that comes and goes.
Express Your Grief to Yahuah
One way to experience the pain of grief is by expressing it to Yahuah wholeheartedly. One of the best examples of people who described their feelings and emotions and wrote them down in journals was David of the Holy Bible. These “journals” are now known today as the Scriptural Psalms. Reading the Psalms of David reveals that David was a man of great lamentation who endured tragedies and suffering throughout his life. What is even more amazing, however, was the candor by which he wrote these Psalms. They were sincere, authentic, and shocking as he allowed his bare, uncensored emotions to express themselves throughout the Book. No wonder, so many find comfort in the Psalms. Its readers can easily relate to what David experienced and was feeling. Here is a sample of Psalms:
Psalm 6:1–7
— 1 O Yahuah, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. 2 Be merciful to me, Yahuah, for I am faint; O Yahuah, heal me, for my bones are in agony. 3 My soul is in anguish. How long, O Yahuah, how long? 4 Turn, O Yahuah, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. 5 No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? 6 I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. 7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.
David was honest with God in pouring out his heart. There are times when it seems that he was questioning God. But the reality is he was just being honest about what he was feeling and thinking and expressing them in words. We need to do the same thing. If we feel disappointed with God because our will was not fulfilled, we can tell Him about that. We can tell Him about how much sorrow we are experiencing with as much detail as we want. And after pouring out our hearts, let us proclaim praise for Yahuah and thank Him no matter what.
Draw Near to Yahuah
Whenever we feel unbearable pain, it can become an opportunity to become more intimate with Yahuah. As you experience the pain of your grief. Give your tears to Yahuah:
Psalm 56:8 (NLT) — 8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Yahuah may not always take away our tears on this side of heaven, but it does not mean that He does not know about your sorrows and your tears. He is very aware, and He wants you to draw near Him. The Bible says that Yahuah keeps track of our sorrows and collects our tears in His bottle. For Him to collect our tears, He brings Himself near us. When you weep, why not ask the Father and call out His Name verbally, “Abba Yahuah, please embrace me as I cry before your presence.” Every tear matters to Yahuah and has a purpose behind every sorrow that produced those tears. One day in heaven, you can ask Yahuah about the meaning of each of those tears that have been recorded in His Book. We may not know why we go through great suffering in life. The good news is we don’t have to. What is important is that Yahuah is with us and that He can use this for our good:
Romans 8:26–28 (NLT) — 26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
As we endure the sorrows of life, we can trust Yahuah that He can use them to work together for our good. Do not run away from Him. Run to Him. Sometimes the pain can be so unbearable that you are unable to mouth words. All you can do is groan and cry. That is ok. When you cry to Yahuah, He knows your hearts, and His Holy Spirit prays for you with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. Often, the most powerful prayers are prayers without words, so that what reaches the Father is pure heart. Pour your heart to Abba Yahuah as you experience the pain of your grief. Don’t waste your tears. Give them all to Yahuah.
Invite Yahusha to Weep with You
When we experience the pain of grief, it would be best to invite Yahusha to weep with us.
John 11:33–36 (NKJV) — 33 Therefore, when Yahusha saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. 34 And He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Yahusha wept. 36 Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!” 25 Yahusha told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. 26 Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?”
When Yahusha visited the gravesite of His friend Lazarus, he felt the sadness of His friends Mary and Martha, the grieving sisters of Lazarus. What did Yahusha do? The Bible says, “Yahusha wept.” It was evident to all that Yahusha loved them very much. Dear friend, Yahusha loves you just as much. Though He may be in heaven and you are on earth, He can come to you, if you let Him, and weep together with you. Why not find a private room somewhere so that you can be alone with your Lord. Cry out the Name of Yahusha verbally. Then pour out you heart to Him and then say out loud, “Yahusha, please weep with me.” And then just weep. Soon, you will feel His presence enter the room. At that point there I no need to say a word. Just weep together with Him, and He with you. Let Him embrace you and cry your heart out upon His shoulders. During this tender moment with your Lord something wonderful happens:
Colossians 2:7 (NLT) — 7 Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.
As Yahusha weeps together with you and you share the suffering of your Lord, you allow your roots to grow down into Him. This makes you stronger and closer to your Lord.
We all experience pain in this life, and the only thing worse than the pain of losing a loved one is the pain of never loving or being loved in the first place. In a way, the pain of grief is a gift to us because it is evidence of the presence of love. As you experience the pain of grief, realize that you should not go through the suffering alone. Let Yahuah and Yahusha embrace you in your sorrow. And soon, just as Yahusha resurrected Lazarus at his gravesite, our King will return and He will bring to life our loved ones so that we can all be with Him forever more. He is the resurrection and the life. On that day our tears of sorrow will be turned into tears of joy.
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