No one enters marriage expecting a divorce. Most people who get married believe they will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, nearly half of all marriages end up in divorce with many more enduring a miserable relationship. In most circumstances, Yahuah is against divorce and failed marriages.
Malachi 2:14-16 (NLT2)* 14 You cry out, “Why doesn’t Yahuah accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because Yahuah witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows. 15 Didn’t Yahuah make you one with your wife? In body and spirit, you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!” says Yahuah, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says Yahuah of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”
Yahuah says He hates divorce because it is an act of cruelty. It is cruel because it brings so much misery to both husband and wife. More importantly, divorce subjects children to some of the most stressful and emotionally painful situations they will ever experience. We must do everything we can to avoid divorce.
Are You on the Path to Divorce?
Are you already on a path towards divorce? If so, why not get off that path and hop on the one that leads to joy, peace, and harmony? One way to reverse the path toward divorce is by identifying what behaviors lead to divorce and purposely modifying them.
Ephesians 4:29 (TEV) 29 Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.
When we direct harmful words to our spouse that is a clear path to divorce. Negative words destroy, but positive and helpful words build up. What kind of words do we use when we interact with our partners? Are they positive or negative? Not surprisingly, the words we use have a direct impact on the health of our marriage. If your interactions with your spouse is always negative you are on the path to divorce.
Predicting Divorce with 94% Accuracy
Did you know that it is possible to predict divorce with great accuracy? Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned marriage researcher and founder of the Gottman Institute, analyzed the likelihood of married couples getting divorced or remaining married. After spending years studying the interactions between husbands and wives, dissecting every aspect of their exchanges, tracking the status of their relationship years later, and using fancy statistical analysis, he was able to predict relationship success with 94% accuracy.
Do you know what the most significant determinant was that predicted relationship success? The ratio of positive to negative comments the partners make to one another. For those who ended up in divorce, the ratio was .77 to 1. In other words when couples make three positive comments for every four negative ones, 94% of the time that couple would end up in divorce. Why is that the case? That is because negative words carry more psychological and emotional weight than positive words. Thus, even if you use the same number of positive and negative words in your interactions with your spouse, your marriage is in trouble. That is a path that leads to divorce.
Optimal Ratio for a Happy and Healthy Marriage
What is the optimal ratio between positive and negative comments? According to Dr. Gottman’s analysis, couples who expressed five positive comments for every negative one remained happily married. That means that if accidentally or purposely you said a negative word to your spouse (let’s admit it, it happens) it would take five positive comments to counter its damaging effects and restore the relationship back to health. So, are you ready to restore your marriage? Below are three suggestions that can help you get back on the path to marital joy and peace.
How to Obtain a 5 to 1 Positive to Negative Ratio
1. Be Mindful
Often in our interactions with our spouse, we tend to react rather than respond. What is the difference between reacting and responding? Reacting is what you say and do without thinking. Reactionary marriages lead to a lot of negativity, hostility, and anger.
James 1:19-20 (TEV) 19 Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to become angry. 20 Human anger does not achieve God's righteous purpose.
The Bible reminds us to respond when we are provoked. Responding requires listening and listening requires thinking. In other words, we must think first before we speak and act. Whenever we act or speak without thinking it often leads to chaos and turmoil. It is imperative that we think first. Mindlessness leads to trouble. Mindfulness brings peace and harmony. Being mindful throughout the day helps us become aware of our positive and negative interactions. Maintaining the optimal ratio of positive to negative comments begins with awareness. Observe how you and your partner interact. For every negative interaction that happens, are there more positive interactions? If not, take it upon yourself to create more positive interactions in your relationship.
2. Create a Culture of Appreciation
Regardless of age, background, or marital status the most potent advice that leads to a path of marital happiness is to create an atmosphere of appreciation. The Bible suggests how we can create an atmosphere of appreciation. It’s about changing our focus.
Philippians 4:8 (TEV) 8 In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.
The way to create a culture of appreciation is by focusing on what is good, pure, noble, lovely and honorable. Don’t focus on the thorns. Focus on the beauty and fragrance of the rose.
Creating a culture of appreciation helps to establish an environment where positive interactions and a sense of security are the norms. Expressing gratitude towards a partner is the primary means for creating a positive culture. Saying thanks for the small behaviors that often go unnoticed (picking up around the house, taking the trash out, making the morning coffee, cleaning out the refrigerator) makes a partner feel valued for his or her daily efforts around the home. Sharing appreciation for small favors (taking an extra turn in the carpool, making a coworker feel welcome in the home) and for significant sacrifices (remembering a least favorite in-law’s birthday, giving up “rainy day” money for a home expense) honors a partner’s contributions to the relationship and the family.
3. Turn a Negative into a Positive
Creating positive interactions from a negative one is possible, but it requires patience and practice. There is a two-step process that we can use when we are bombarded by negativity.
Philippians 2:3-4 (TEV) 3 Don't do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves. 4 And look out for one another's interests, not just for your own.
The first step in turning a negative interaction into a positive one is by apologizing. Apologizing is impossible from a place of pride. Pride makes you defensive and therefore destructive. Apologizing can only come from a place of humility. Keep in mind that it is not about whose fault it is. It’s about perceptions that elicited hurtful emotions in your partner’s heart. If your partner is upset about something you said or did, simply apologize. When your partner hears the words, “I am sorry that I hurt your feelings,” you will be astounded at how quickly a negative can be turned into a positive.
The second step is to look out for your partner’s interests. This is done by seeing things and feeling things from your spouse’s perspective. This is also called empathy. When you are able to feel your partner’s pain and sincerely be able to say, “It makes sense to me that you feel that way”, your partner feels validated. Validation makes your partner feel understood and that is a big positive. Furthermore, when you begin to see from your partner’s perspective, new opportunities for positive experiences that were absent quickly become apparent.
Its Your Choice
People often like to blame failed marriages on either people or circumstances. The truth is a happy marriage is a choice. The condition of your marriage today is the result of the choices you made. Happy marriages are built with purpose and intentionality. Even if you are on the brink of divorce, it is not too late. Just as you can intentionally make a u-turn when you realize you are driving in the wrong direction, you can choose the path to a happy and healthy marriage. By choosing to interact positively with your beloved, you create an environment for a thriving marriage. It’s up to you. Yahuah gave you a choice. Choose wisely.
留言